


Illumi Can't Open A Candy Jar

by illuzaoldyeck



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Birthday Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, One Shot, hisoillu, mildly suggestive themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 21:15:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14860427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illuzaoldyeck/pseuds/illuzaoldyeck
Summary: Hisoka takes his grooming seriously, as evidenced by how it's been two hours since he entered the bathroom. Illumi wanted to get some mints in the kitchen to pass the time while waiting for the magician to finish his business, but he can't open the candy jar.Illumi, the eldest and also believed to be the strongest of the Zoldyck brothers, cannot open a candy jar.And he knows just who the culprit behind this is.—For the creepy clown that I've loved my entire life. Happy birthday.





	Illumi Can't Open A Candy Jar

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this is my first post here on AO3! I'm so glad I received the invite before today, just in time to put up something for Hisoka's birthday. I'm still trying to learn my way through this platform, so please let me know if I'm tagging or inputting things incorrectly. I hope you find this short imagining of mine enjoyable. Thank you!

Illumi can't open the candy jar.

 

It may sound like a mundane and irrelevant situation to anyone, but it is, in fact, a dangerous and foreboding predicament. This is Illumi, of the house of Zoldycks —the same house set apart from the public living in normalcy by the nowhere-near-normal-for-any-household Testing Gate, which he has flipped open effortlessly for countless times even as a child, reducing over two hundred tons of metal to the likes of cheap paper used on photocopied flyers littering Meteor City. Illumi, the eldest and also believed to be the strongest of the Zoldyck brothers, cannot open a candy jar.

 

He glared accusingly through the glass material, as much as the deadpan expression plastered on his face would allow. “I told him not to mix his stupid gum with my candies,” he sighed, nose wrinkling from imagining how the scent of Hisoka’s pink obsession has probably overpowered that of his mints by now.

 

“Stupid?” came a voice from down the hallway, “My, my, Illumi. I was simply imparting sweetness onto your candies, if you can even call them that. Candies should be sweet!”

 

“That's so narrow-minded of you. Candies have different varieties,” Illumi replied with a finger pointing up, as if he were about to start lecturing on the entire history of confectionery. He probably could. After all, who else gave Killua his very first Chocorobo? The Zoldyck heir did inherit a lot of things from his aniki. One is his sweet tooth. The others being, well, social isolation and crippling self-doubt. All good things, if you were to ask Illumi.

 

“But where’s the fun if they're not sweet? Not everything has to be so…utilitarian,” Hisoka said, making sure to fill the last word with distaste, as he finally walked into the room. After all, he lives and breathes for entertainment and frivolity.

 

“Doesn't matter. Stop putting Bungee Gum in my candy jar,” ordered the assassin.

 

“It’s not your candy jar. It’s our candy jar. Conjugal property.”

 

“We’re not married.”

 

“That can be fixed.”

 

“Hisoka,” Illumi warned.

 

“Alright, dear. I'll leave your boring mints alone.” Hisoka nodded defeatedly.

 

“And stop putting Bungee Gum _on_ my candy jar.”

 

Hisoka grinned, that mischievous glint in his eye almost as familiar to Illumi as the magician’s very existence. He’s been caught red-handed again. Actually, pink-handed, according to Illumi’s gyo.

 

“Aaand what if I don't want to?” asked Hisoka in sing-song.

 

“I'll break your neck,” Illumi answered matter-of-factly.

 

“Eh, I get that a lot. Not very original, love.”

 

“Fine. I'll pin you to the wall,” the Zoldyck said, needles already on the spaces between his fingers.

 

“Oh,” Hisoka threw his head back with a moan, “I absolutely love the sound of that. Do it, Illumi.”

 

The needles were put away and hidden somewhere in Illumi’s clothes, much to Hisoka’s dismay. “Why must you make everything sound disgusting?”

 

“Me?” Hisoka gasped with a hand on his chest to reinforce the exaggeration in his offended tone, “Those were your own words, Illu, not mine. You're the one who said you'll pin me to the wall.”

 

“Just take the damn Bungee Gum off, Hisoka,” Illumi resigned, knowing full well that a debate with the pink-haired lunatic is the verbal equivalent of a mobius strip. He can't deal with that today. Any other day is fine, but not this one. If they argued any longer, they'd miss their reservation for the night. Of course they can just threaten the restaurant staff to give them a seat, or even all the seats, if they wanted to. But Illumi is very traditional when it comes to some things. That includes birthday celebrations. They will go about this in the proper manner. That’s how they did it every year and he intends to keep it that way.

 

Illumi had made the call three months prior. He made sure to reserve the same window seats that he and Hisoka frequented whenever they spent some alone time together during the early years of their “acquaintanceship”, chatting the night away about certain twelve-year-old kids. He’s not sure when the conversations shifted from simply strategising on present threats to planning for the future. This kind of future, to be specific. One discussion led to another and another until several whiskey glasses later, they’re now standing inside a shared home.

 

Having acquaintances isn’t so bad after all. Illumi was finally convinced by that once he realised that living together meant they can celebrate occasions like this together, too. He and Hisoka can be back in that same restaurant on his birthday every year. It is unclear to him how that thought manages to provide him a sense of contentment.

 

“I can think of other things I’d like to take off instead of my Bungee Gum,” Hisoka interrupted Illumi’s reverie.

 

“Good, at least we know your brain is still capable of thinking,” Illumi shrugged and began to walk out of the kitchen.

 

“Wait, where are you going? I thought you wanted your mints so badly.”

 

“Not badly. I was just going to have a few to help pass the time since a certain someone took two full hours in the bathroom. I’m going to get the car before we become late for our reservation.”

 

“Beauty takes time. I didn't come out of the womb with a star and a teardrop on my face.”

 

“Why don't you just tattoo them? That’ll save several hours of your life. They're a limited resource, especially for someone like you who likes to court death for breakfast. Time also takes beauty.”

 

“Only those with poor life choices would tattoo their faces.”

 

“Chrollo has a tattoo on his face.”

 

“Bingo~”

 

The exasperation was turning thick in Illumi's voice. “If you're so adamant about your troll hair and circus makeup, have some foresight and start preparing earlier.”

 

“Hey, don’t hate on the hair. I put a lot of work into it. And my makeup is basically an art in itself.”

 

“I know you put a lot of work into it. Like I said, two full hours. And you do this every single day. I guess it’s time for you to work smarter instead of harder, Hisoka. Just use Texture Surprise on your face and get some hair styling advice from Gon.”

 

Hisoka pouted at yet another subtle jab at his intellect and eccentric form of self-expression. “Says the long-haired beauty with six different variants of conditioner in the shower. I barely have any space to keep my lone bottle of body wash.”

 

“If you buy another bubble gum-scented one, you will have no body wash left at all. I will dump it all in the ocean.”

 

“Not very environmentally friendly of you, Illu.”

 

“What is it with any and all of your belongings smelling like bubble gum anyway? I didn’t think I’d be dating the entire Willy Wonka factory.”

 

At the sudden silence from Hisoka’s end, two thoughts ravaged Illumi’s mind. One, he did exactly what he told himself not to do, that is to prolong an unnecessary argument. If they weren’t behind schedule a while ago, surely now they must be. Two, that he didn’t expect questioning the magician’s excessive affinity for bubble gum will be the thing to finally hurt Hisoka’s seemingly inexistent feelings. Why else would he be standing there silent as a grave, but with his mouth slightly hanging apart as if deciding which expletive to start with? The intensity behind his golden orbs wasn’t there a second ago either. It was waging a war against the Zoldyck’s own eyes, hammering at his emotionless facade until it is on the brink of shattering.

 

Illumi reached for his needles for the second time that evening. It wouldn’t be surprising if Hisoka wanted to spend his birthday in battle. It so happens that Illumi is his favourite sparring partner as well. The setting is perfect. That remark is a convenient excuse to start a fight, too.

 

Yes, that must be it. Hisoka is definitely riled up.

 

“Hisoka, I’m all for fighting if that’s your birthday wish, but I’d really rather have dinner first,” he said.

 

The other man simply blinked at him, all fervor instantaneously drained from his expression. “Fight? You? Right now? You know I’d always love to, but why the sudden proposition?”

 

What?

 

Illumi cocked his head to the side and Hisoka couldn’t help but replace the shock in his face with open adoration. That little motion the assassin does whenever he’s confused is something he’d kill to see more often. (Well, he’d kill even without the promise of a prize, but that’s beside the point.) Illumi is his most beloved toy, a fully articulated action figure, and that slight tilting of his head is his Try-Me feature.

 

“You were pissed off by my bubble gum comment,” Illumi offered, “and I don’t intend to take it back because I was just stating facts, so I’ll fight with you if you want to.”

 

A pause, then Hisoka was doubling over in laughter. “Oh, Illu. Despite all your training, your inability to read people’s emotions still surprises me. I guess you’ll need to have feelings in the first place to know how to understand them, but then you don’t.”

 

“What are you talking about? Of course I can read people. It’s part of my job. That’s how I figured out that you’re angry. Your eyes were seething and would have swallowed me whole if they could.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. In the same way that you can read how much Killua loves you.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Sarcasm is definitely not an assassin’s cup of tea: Hisoka made a mental note of this.

 

“Illu darling, I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted my…lust. I thought you would be used to it by now. It's quite literally my default expression. I'd love to eat you alive right now, yes…but in bed.”

 

The lump in Illumi's throat is the only thing blocking his heart from jumping out in that moment. “You're so embarrassing,” he managed to say in such a small voice that he thought he only spoke in his mind.

 

“It's exquisite when you blush, darling,” Hisoka pointed out, adding fuel to the fire beneath the other's skin.

 

“Shut up. Why would you even be turned on by me comparing you to Willy Wonka?”

 

“The factory. You compared me to the factory, not even the person, thanks a lot by the way. But that's not what I was reacting to,” Hisoka explained. “You said you're ‘dating’ me.”

 

“And?”

 

“You've never used that word before. I didn't even know ‘acquaintanceship’ is an actual dictionary word until I met you. Not that I've ever looked up a dictionary,” he shrugged.

 

“Well, what I said a while ago still holds. I was just stating facts. You get turned on by facts? Maybe you should have gotten yourself a dictionary after all. Or I should have bought a trivia book as a gift instead,” Illumi pondered with all seriousness.

 

Hisoka sighed audibly. As endearing as Illumi’s social ineptness is, sometimes he just wishes his partner could at least reciprocate his passion more tangibly.

 

Or maybe he does.

 

“Did you say ‘gift’?” he inquired, the drawn-on symbols on his cheeks rising with his smile.

 

“Yes, of course I got you a gift. I always do, don’t I?” Illumi replied. “But that will have to wait until we get home from dinner. Now, let’s go.”

 

Taloned fingers gripped Illumi’s wrist, preventing him from taking a step further. “I’d like to have my gift now.”

 

The suggestive tone dripping from Hisoka’s words was not lost on Illumi. And he said he couldn’t read people, huh.

 

“It’s not what you have in mind, Hisoka.”

 

“Oh, so you know what I have in mind.”

 

“You said it yourself a while ago. There’s always the same thing in your mind.”

 

“Well, then?” Hisoka grinned, his eyes merely slits in anticipation.

 

“No.”

 

“Please?”

 

“No, Hisoka.”

 

“C’mon, Illu.”

 

“Why do you keep calling me that? I never said you could. I don’t call you ‘Hiso’, do I? My name isn’t that long that you can’t pronounce it in its entirety. Three syllables.”

 

“I can think of something else that’s long—”

 

“Oh god, you just can’t help it, can you?” Illumi huffed, a wrinkle of irritation on his forehead despite the rest of his face remaining professionally unperturbed.

 

“You know I’ll keep trying until you give in, Illu. It works eventually. And what’s wrong with calling you Illu? You call Killua ‘Kill’. Now I’d call you “ill” but I don’t think you need a constant reminder of your mental state.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Illumi frowned, deepening the creases between his eyebrows, “I am perfectly stable.”

 

“Says the guy who put a needle inside his brother’s brain.”

 

“Says the guy who refers to the said brother’s acquaintance as ‘unripe fruit’ and gets off to it. And what I did was for Killua’s own good. He just hasn’t realised it yet. I’m a very patient man, though. I’ll be waiting with open arms once he does. He will come running back to me, needle or no needle. He always did when he was younger.”

 

That elicited an inevitable eye roll from Hisoka. “Keep telling yourself that.”

 

“You’ll see,” Illumi dismissed, “well then, shall we?”

 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Hisoka said, his playful demeanor immediately returning as he wet his lips with the slowest movement of his tongue.

 

“I meant ‘shall we’ go now?” the assassin clarified.

 

“To the bedroom, yes. After you, love.”

 

“Damn it, Hisoka. To. The. Restaurant,” Illumi emphasised, the volume of his voice rising with every word.

 

“I thought you said you’re ‘a very patient man’,” Hisoka chuckled. “Oh, you look so delectable when you’re angry.”

 

Illumi shook Hisoka’s hand off of his wrist and spun on his heels, raven hair swaying with the movement. Maybe if he just ignored him, he’ll eventually stop with his antics. But Hisoka is a toothache that likes to make his presence known 24/7. The sweetness of his constant presence comes with that consequence.

 

“Alright, we’ll go now,” Hisoka declared, successfully retrieving Illumi’s attention, “but can I at least get a kiss?”

 

The assassin seemed to consider it for a moment, until he deemed that the request is actually a brilliant idea in disguise.

 

“I don’t see why not. You said you wanted your gift now, right?” he hummed, inching closer as he whispered the latter part right next to the clown’s ear.

 

“Yes, please,” came Hisoka’s breathy reply, too entranced by the other’s rare sensual demeanor to rationalise the sudden shift in the atmosphere.

 

“I have an idea though. I’m sure you’ll love it, since you like using your Bungee Gum so much.”

 

“I can think of a hundred different spots that I’d like to put Bungee Gum on right now,” was Hisoka’s predictable reply. The way his eyes were glued to the Zoldyck’s features gave that away.

 

Illumi’s lips tugged up triumphantly as he led the man to sit on one of the kitchen stools. “Exactly.”

 

“This isn’t like you to be cooperative with my fun, little experiments. But I like it. I didn’t even expect you’d say yes to the kiss. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 

“It’s your special day after all. Now close your eyes. I may have a surprise that will make it even more special,” Illumi said, to which Hisoka complied without hesitation.

 

“You spoil me so much, Illu,” he croaked out, voice breaking from the excitement bubbling in his chest. He could make out the sound of footsteps moving away but returning to his spot before he even started getting curious about what Illumi may have prepared. His active imagination is to blame for the persistent image of a maid outfit in his head right now.

 

“Alright, I’m ready. Why don’t you put your Bungee Gum to good use, Hiso-kun? Over here.”

 

“Now you’ve called me ‘Hiso’. It does sound weird, but fair enough, if that’s what it takes to keep calling you ‘Illu’. It’s too adorable, making it an even harder habit to break.” His hand was led in the direction of something soft...and sticky? “Is this whipped cream?”

 

A pleasant tingle ran through Hisoka’s body as the costume in his mind was replaced with the image of whipped cream on Illumi.

 

“Don’t open your eyes, ok? At the count of three, I want you to pull me right into the kiss with that Bungee Gum. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?”

 

“I can think of other places I’d like to put whipped—”

 

“One,” Illumi began.

 

Hisoka thinks he heard some sort of tapping motion coming from Illumi’s direction.

 

“Two.”

 

It’s the soft sound of fingertips on glass. Most likely a phone screen. But what for—

 

“Three.”

 

He’ll worry about that later. With a flick of his finger, the attached aura flung something right into his face.

 

Something, not someone. And there was far too much whipped cream everywhere for it to be the pair of lips he had anticipated.

 

“Irrwwumi?” he spoke uncertainly, muffled by the thick layer of frosting on his face. He dropped his hand to the side and with it came most of what was obstructing his vision, the object still hanging by a string of pink aura. Illumi's sinister grin came into view. It does not pair well with the innocence of another head-tilt.

 

“Happy birthday, Hisoka. Did you like your cake? It's bubble gum-flavoured.”

 

“So you do pranks now, huh?”

 

“You must be rubbing off on me,” Illumi shrugged.

 

“I can think of other things I’d like to rub—”

 

He found himself physically shut up by Illumi violently shoving a handful of frosting into his mouth.

 

“I thought you hate bubble gum,” Hisoka pointed out, tasting the icing that made its way through his lips as he spoke.

 

“Hate is a strong word. Since it’s heavily associated with you, my opinion of it is the same as my opinion of you.”

 

“So you secretly love it with every fibre of your being?” the clown grinned.

 

“No, I think it’s unbearably annoying.”

 

“Then why get bubble gum-flavoured frosting?”

 

“Because it seems to make you genuinely happy...and I like seeing you that way. You’re constantly smiling, but it’s rarely real,” Illumi confessed, voice trailing off towards the end as if he didn’t intend to reveal as much.

 

“Well, you have a weird way of showing it seeing how you ruined my two-hour makeup with your prank. And I didn’t even get my kiss,” Hisoka pouted, bending from the stool to pick on the cake remains on the ground.

 

“Think of it as my revenge for making me look like a fool with that candy jar,” Illumi retorted.

 

“Oh, Illu. You will never be a fool in my eyes.”

 

“That doesn’t really count for much, coming from a literal fool.”

 

“How many times do I have to remind everyone that I am a magician and not a clown?”

 

“Can’t blame people for assuming when you’re wearing the uniform of one.”

 

“Or~ maybe you see me as one because I give you so much happiness, too,” Hisoka wagged an eyebrow teasingly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He didn’t expect the lack of resistance from the assassin and quite frankly, he was extremely touched that a soulless killing machine finds some of his very scarce joy in him. It is even more incredible that the other confessed to caring for his happiness, too.

 

“I’m a fool for you, alright~” Hisoka hummed, moving a large chunk of cake as if to unearth a treasure beneath it. “Wait, this looks like it had a design on it.”

 

“It’s custom-made,” Illumi confirmed.

 

“I didn’t even get to see it.”

 

“Don’t worry,” the Zoldyck chimed, holding his phone up in one hand, “I have everything on record.”

 

Ah, that explains the tapping he heard while he had his eyes closed. The video starts from when Illumi retrieved the cake from their fridge, revealing that there was indeed a custom design on top. It was shaped like a card, the King of Hearts, only that in place of the king’s head was Hisoka’s grinning countenance.

 

“I would have expected it to be the Joker.”

 

“Too predictable,” said Illumi.

 

“Still, why the King of Hearts, of all fifty-two choices? Could it be because I am the king of your heart~?” the jester sang.

 

The only reply from Illumi was the slight scrunching of his nose.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Hisoka noted, rising from his seat to close the distance between them and place a gentle kiss on the other’s forehead, “Thanks for the gift, Illu. I love it. As I do you.”

 

“What was that for?” Illumi blinked, carefully wiping away the frosting that managed to transfer from Hisoka’s lips to his forehead.

 

“You wouldn’t give me a kiss, so I gave it to you instead. I still expect a ‘real’ one from you after dinner, though,” he winked as he started to make for the bathroom, “Gotta get to that reservation quickly then.”

 

“Just wash up and don’t bother with the clown makeup,” Illumi called out to him, just before a shattering sound was heard.

 

Hisoka leaned back into the hallway to take a peek and found the candy jar in shards right by Illumi’s feet.

 

“What’s happening?” he inquired, head bouncing from the assassin’s persistently stoic expression to the broken glass on the floor. Illumi held no sign of surprise, so he must have dropped the jar on purpose. Not that he ever shows any hint of shock, but through the years, Hisoka’s been getting good at deciphering the microexpressions on that pale face.

 

“You still haven’t removed the Bungee Gum and I’m gonna need my mints if I’ll be waiting for you to freshen up again,” the other explained casually, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary to destroy household items.

 

“You could have just asked me to release the aura.”

 

“But you wouldn’t. That’s how we got to this,” Illumi motioned to the ruined cake on the floor, “in the first place.”

 

“Would be nice if we had that turtleneck-woman’s nen ability that vacuums everything, right?” Hisoka suggested, “although it can’t absorb the cake because it’s non-living.”

 

“You have it the other way around. Blinky absorbs only the non-living. You should pay more attention to your potential opponents,” Illumi corrected.

 

“Only Chrollo had the potential to be my opponent,” he smirked. “You gotta admit our battle put the ‘Heaven’ in ‘Heaven’s Arena’.”

 

“Yeah, it put you to heaven, too.”

 

“I can think of other ways you can put me to hea—”

 

“Go. Now. Or you’re not getting that kiss tonight,” Illumi reprimanded.

 

“I expect to get more than just a ki—”

 

“Stop clowning around.”

 

Hisoka snickered at the choice of words.

 

“I’m afraid that’s physically impossible.”

 

“Hisoka.”

 

“Yes, yes. I’ll wash up now. Be right back.”

 

“No makeup, ok?” Illumi reminded. “I like your real face better anyway.”

 

“I like your real face better too, love,” responded Hisoka, “when it isn’t wobbling around like a hesitant washing machine.”

 

Illumi took the jest as a compliment and couldn’t help the tug at his lips. Both he and Hisoka are men of many faces, both literally and figuratively. But only the two of them allow the other to see their unguarded ones from time to time. Usually after an intimate dinner like the one they’re about to have. Perhaps that’s why they make such a perfect pair.

 

“Oh and Illumi,” the magician said, popping his head back into the hallway, “I’d very much like it if you deleted that video.”

 

“Why should I? It’s entertaining. You live for entertainment, don’t you?”

 

“Not at my expense.”

 

“You actually gave me a good idea,” Illumi snapped, placing the mints down on the counter and retrieving the phone from his pocket. “I should send this to Heaven’s Arena. They can replace the one they play on loop before your fights. It’s quality promotional material.”

 

Needless to say, they didn’t make it to the reservation.

**Author's Note:**

> After posting this, I ended up making cake. No, it doesn't have Hisoka's face on it, unfortunately...or fortunately, depends who you're talking to. I also have the same hair colour as his so pretty sure my family is already close to freaking out and definitely will if I did put his face on our food. Would you eat that cake? ^^
> 
> Oh and if you'd like to scream about the properties of bungee gum with me, tweet or DM me: @suckmyzoldyck


End file.
